Incapaz

Well, I'd like to begin by saying I know it's been a while and I am currently working on a couple of projects and hopefully sooner rather than later I'll be sharing them with you all. I struggle putting anything up that is less than lengthy, which is why my post are far and few in between, but I decided this is my blog and there are no rules.  That being said here is a short poem I wrote yesterday.

Incapaz

I search my mind...

for the right words

For an ounce of me...

that doesn't remember

AND

For once I feel incapaz

Incapaz of stringing words together

to form a complete thought.

Incapaz of understanding my own feelings

Incapable of letting you go.

- V. Dez

Waiting on the sunrise....

She hadn't really thought where she was going or where'd she'd end up. The only thing she knew was "I don't want to be like her!" she said. Meaning a single parent with six kids. She was a well rounded young lady, she was smart, pretty, and knew what she wanted in life. She wanted a tall, dark, and handsome husband, three children, a big house, a garden, and exactly one dog. She went away to college, like many teenagers her age did, to study medicine. Sarah was her name.
Sarah figured in exactly 7-8 years "I'll have all my ducks in a row!" I'll be done with med school, I'll have a job, a car, and my own place. Those were our conversations. "Then and only then....will I have time to find love." I'm not sure if she was waiting on the perfect time to find love...or it was the lack of options. You see Sarah spent her days at school and her nights at the campus library with her nose stuck in a book. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with knowing what you want in life and going for it.....but she had no social life. No Social  LIFE!!!! She didn't even know what beer pong was until the age of 25, while doing her residency, and she was still confused by the concept. One night she came to rescue me from a frat party and my half naked drunken misery. "What's the point? Who comes up with these games!?" She said. My drunken reply was "Why the Dean of students." It made total sense....till it left my mouth and we both began laughing hysterically.
She had med school, and I had grad school and although looking back it was quite a blur we still managed to keep in touch. We both finished school about a year after that party. Of course she would graduate top of her class and with honors or something. I on the other hand I'm still in bewilderment over the fact they let me walk the stage or that they called my name. Enough about me Sarah took a job in the city at a family practice, she was the pediatrician. She worked endlessly that first year, but it wasn't till her second year someone noticed the magic in her eyes. Brett asked Sarah out, he was a young handsome-like physician that worked at the same clinic. They dated and it wasn't long before they were deeply in love. And as one could guess I was harshly tossed to the curb, traded in for someone from the male species. It's not like I'm bitter about it or anything...but I was there first. She was my best friend.
Enough about that, they went steady for 2 1/2 years, and just when things couldn't get any better...Brett asked Sarah to marry him!  "The moment was magical, like a clip from a movie." she said "All of a sudden I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, all I knew is I love this man!" So obviously she said yes. By then I had my own steady boyfriend, you know if you consider two dates and splitting the cab fare steady.
Brett and Sarah were on cloud 9, planning their wedding, the colors, the flowers, dresses, ties, and venue. "The sun is brighter, the grass is greener, the...have you ever stopped to hear the birds chirp!?" she said. It was obvious she was in love.
One night Brett prepared a romantic picnic for the two, with a gorgeous view of the city.  They stayed up all night till sunrise. "We counted the stars, held each other close,  and just laid there." he said. "We watched the sunrise, it was beautiful. I won't forget what she said next" he said.  "Joy comes in the morning. The sunrise brings hope of a new day. The hope that the impossible will be possible.  The hope that the new day can wipe all pain away. It's a new beginning."

It's been two months since the fatal accident. A drunk driver hit Sarah's Volkswagen Beetle head on. She died on impact, and the drunk driver....walked away with a broken arm. Many times I wished it had only been a dream...to no avail.  Brett goes back to their picnic area, on top of the hill, and I mostly go to the neighborhood park, we went to as children, and watch the sunrise almost every morning. Him not knowing if he'll ever be able to love again....or let her go. But holding on to the hope that joy will come in the morning and one day the impossible will be possible.  And as for me I'm grateful that I had 23 awesome years with Sarah. Years full of joy, tears, and laughter. One day we'll meet again until then I'll be waiting on the sunrise.

Pendulum

November 4, 2026

I open my eyes but see nothing. For a minute I consider blindness. My eyes soon begin to adjust to the darkness that encompasses me. The shivering is so uncontrollable, I could swear I'm having a seizure. (I wonder...if this is what Antarctica feels like?) I begin rubbing my arms and legs to try and keep warm. I've been here before, hundreds of times, maybe even thousands, yet I've never been to this place. I look around, everything still dark, looks unfamiliar and familiar all at the same time. The cement walls surround me, and somewhere in the distance I hear the faint drip of water. "There's no time to be a coward!!!" I tell myself. I begin to search frantically for my clothes and shoes, the temperature only seems to be getting colder. I find several large objects, made up of some sort of metal(rusted now.) They look centuries old, and probably just as long out of service. I find no clothing nor anything else useful. After scouring the room it is clear I'm here alone. I lay down in the corner of the room(like a baby in its mothers womb.) I say a short prayer "God save me from this place..." I have never wanted God to save me, answer me, or be real more in my entire life. I closed my eyes and let my thoughts drift away to the sound of the dripping water. 

November 5, 2026 

The next morning I wake hungry and still ignorant of where I might be. I'm not positive on the date, I have no sense of time or day here. I assume its morning though I see no sunlight, the room is dark, though not as dark as it had been prior. I feel a sense of hopelessness, I sit wallowing in self pity. I begin shouting "HOW DID I GET HERE!!!? WHY AM I HERE!!!?" While shouting, I hear a somewhat familiar voice. I hear several voices in the distance. I try calling for help once, twice, three times with no reply. All I could hear was my echoing voice. Can they not hear me? "SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, HELP ME!" I cry out for help with no reply, for what seems like an eternity. I shout to the point where my throat feels dry and cracky (I feel as if I've been at a concert all day.) I didn't know I was capable of crying that much, or for that long(I could give Niagara Falls a run for its money.) I didn't know when or how I fell asleep. 

November 6, 2026 

The next morning I woke up without a voice. What would I do for a glass of water? Today I see no point in crying. I should preserve what energy I have left. Scouring the room coming up with the same conclusion as before, there's no way out! I don't even see a door. I trace the cracks in cement floor with my index finger. I notice the walls are covered with carvings. I feel with my fingers to make out what they say, the walls have my sins, my past mistakes, my mess ups, and broken promises written on them. 

November 7, 2026 

I wake to sound of rats. The disgusting part was I wasn't afraid, if anything I hoped to lure them into a trap that I might have something to eat. I have been here for days now.....it feels like years. I think about the writings I found yesterday and try to make sense of it. I never thought that my life would end this way but I guess we don't always get what we want. I thought maybe a car crash cause I always text and drive. Or perhaps in my "office" cause I always dreaded that(I think Elvis died like that.) Or if God really had a sense of humor maybe when I'm old cause I'm scared of wrinkles and don't want to get old. I sat waiting for a sign, a reply, a miracle. I waited for the cement walls to shake and fall. I was waiting for God to reply. He never answered, and I was waiting for my friends to hear my cries, but they too had let me down. I was truly alone and without hope, in what seemed like a dungeon. 

November 8, 2026 

I am suddenly awakened by a dim distant light. A joy overtook any prior fear. Hope resonated throughout every inch of my body. I ran toward the light. As I approached the light all my emotions came to a standstill. In the middle of the large room was a cement platform, one that had never been there before. As I approach the platform, my jaw drops and I cannot believe my eyes....



I'm laying there, tied to this platform. My mouth is gagged. I looked up and thought surely I pictured this different. A cathedral sized ceiling and hanging from it a titanium pendulum. The kind you see in a scary movie or read about, shout out to Edgar Alan Poe. The pendulum began to swing from side to side, almost in a hypnotic fashion. It was the most unpleasant and beautiful thing in the world, as the pendulum reflected the shining light. I was sweating uncontrollably, I tried screaming but I did so in vain. The tattered rope on which the pendulum swung seemed to be giving way. Bit by bit the rope started unraveling. The pendulum lowered inch by inch, I heard a faint voice. "Time is running out....serve me or serve yourself." Time was running out this was His reply. Terrified beyond belief the answer was clear...following myself would lead to death, but following Him would lead to life. In that instance I shouted "I choose you! I will serve you! I will follow you!" Just then the rope gave way, the swinging pendulum came crashing down slicing my being in half. Warm blood, like rain in a thunderstorm, fled my body. My corpse lay there lifeless. 






..........As I walked away I knew which way to go.

Square One

Today is New Years Eve. Today countless people will be celebrating the arrival of the New Year, of 2011. I'm included in the countless number, not only in the celebration but also the New Year Resolutions.
This year has not been epic, great, wonderful, the best yet, or terrific. This year has been alrite on the verge of being bad, I made decisions, some good, some bad. And today I lay in the bed I made.
My New Years Resolution will not be the typical to lose weight or get rich. My Resolution or prayer if you will, is to know God. To really know Him. I want to find my first love.
I find myself this New Years Eve not in the same place as I was last New Years Eve, but I find myself somewhere I don't want to be.

Paul wrote it best.
Romans 7:14-20 NIV

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

God has been ever so faithful and diligent with me. The many times I forgot about Him this year. All the selfish things I put before Him this year. All the things I found more interesting than Him. Like gum on the pew in front of me, the box with people in it (tv), or the blaring sound waves from a worldly band. Yet I am sure of the Love He has for me.

This past year I finished bible school, and went into ministry. Going into ministry is a lot easier said then done. Some days I loved it, sometimes it was rewarding. Other times ministry was stressful, and there were even times I wanted to runaway. Runaway from ministry, from leadership, the pew is a comfortable place to be. It has padded cushions.

The worst part of my year is somewhere along the way, somehow I lost sight of my purpose. I lost focus. I'm thankful for God's mercy and grace, and Him allowing me to regain my focus, and remind me of my purpose. To remind me that He called me. I place my hope in God.

Romans 8:28-30 NIV

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

I believe this with all my heart!

This year, all I want is God. I want to know the Love of God, Share the Love of God, and be an example of the Love of God.

My prayer is that the Lord would take me back to the basics, back to square one.

Puzzle Pieces

Puzzle pieces are cut strategically, strategically to make only one picture, to fit only ONE way. If you have ever put together a puzzle, you know the feeling, when two pieces fit perfectly. The pieces have curves, indentations, and straight parts that compliment the other precisely. It's almost a magical event, when this takes place.

I'm 25 years old, and single. I understand and know there are expectations, landmarks, the norm, and society that govern our lives. I'm no fool, nor am I naive. According to society I should be married or well on my way.
If I said I'm completely happy, nothing is missing, or that I don't long for a companion I would be lying. Countless times have I thought: what he might be like, what his name might be, the color of his eyes, his height, and probably the most puzzling to me....Where is he!?

Making the Pieces Fit:

I noticed lately that after months of trying, it won't ever work. The puzzle pieces that have been so strategically designed don't fit. They didn't fit months ago, and still don't today. The only difference between then and now is the hurt.
So I lay here today.....sorry that I wasted so much time. Sorry that I became so impatient. Realizing when the right piece comes along I'll know. Our pieces will fit perfectly, complimenting one another. The curves of our lives, indentations of our past, and the straight edges....of our future will meet.

sticky situation.

Have you ever found yourself in a "sticky" situation? If you are like me, there has been plenty of those incredibly"sticky" moments.

I feel like a child often. Many times we allow children to get into things they shouldn't, while we watch from a distance. We watch our children get into "sticky" situations."that's the only way they are going to learn..."

I find myself many times living life, as if though no one is looking after me. I live life, as if I have no one to answer to. Like a child, carefree, in those instances of self seeking.

Humanity is focused on the concept of 'freedom.' The United States for instance, the most desired nation to live in. The home of the free. The possibilities are endless here...because there is not a dictator watching your every move. There is a government who watches from a distance. A government, who doesn't act unless given reason. Only if you break the law, or are a threat to others. Just like a child's parent, who doesn't act, unless given reason. After a child is in a "sticky" situation.

God since the beginning of time has given us 'free will.' Freedom to do as we please. Although He gives us free will, He also shares His desires with us. He has given us the 'Holy Bible,' a book of commandments, promises, love, and direction.

The government has placed laws before us and we follow them. Is it because our God is not visible, we choose Not to follow His commands?
We respect the government, but not the creator of the Universe.

God, is like that parent, who watches over His children. But because of the 'free will' He has given us, He does not intervene, unless we ask Him to.

The bible says He is a gentleman.
The only time God intervened was when He flooded the earth. Then promised He wouldn't do it again.

Lately I've noticed I'm in a "sticky" situation. God has brought it to my attention numerous times. My only problem is letting go. I understand where I am at, is not where he wants me to be. Because of 'free will' I can, and He allows me to stay here. He won't come to my rescue unless, I ask Him to.

Why are the things we want the most, the ones that are the worst for you? Like junk food.

Why is it that its easier to follow government laws, then it is to follow His will for our lives?....

Shut Up and Live!

Yesterday i had a bad day!!!
All day long i was grouchy, people were trying me, I just wanted to be left alone. I had time to think during my lunch break...and my thoughts were this: Why do i have to be here?, Man I cant wait to finish so I can get on with the rest of my life, I hate this, Why am i even doing this?, Why did I sacrifice sooo much?, What if all this is for nothing?, basically I thought all these thoughts +1 or 2. I was complaining, I was mad at myself, and I was even questioning God.

Well late afternoon around five I get a text from my mom. The text read
"remember hermana Lola well she passed out here at Wal Mart and then she died. I'm sad i was the last person that talked to her."


Wow! just like that, I was on break in January, back home, and I saw this lady at church, no doubt i probably greeted her. she seemed perfectly healthy. It is still difficult to wrap my head around the fact that she is gone, dead, hasta la vista baby.

God in that moment really just slapped me in the face and said "Shut up and live!"

All day i let little things get the better of me, while a sister from church lay lifeless.

How selfish am, that i would not only be satisfied with life but i wanted everything all day to go my way. How would the world be if we all got everything we wanted. I think it would be pure chaos.

Yesterday was a reality check. I'm sure Lola would have loved another day of life, even if it meant it was gunna be a bad hair day. Yet I complained about all the little things, and never once thought to thank God for life, for the opportunity to be in ministry, or even the clean air I breathe.

While reading this I'm sure you thought of a day or two where you felt everything that could go wrong went wrong. but the reality is you still have life.

There comes a point in life, where we just have to Shut Up and Live! what good is going to come from complaining, or hating life, we only have one life, meanwhile we shouldnt take it for granted. I have to believe the more we are complaining the less time we are actually living life.

*This is speaking to me first of all, having a bad attitude and complaining is an area that i need to work on.

Even though we are not in November, I believe we should practice having an attitude of thanksgiving toward the Lord.


Ps. i had a great day today! =)
Thank You Jesus!